Now we're Stressed Out!

         There’s a family that I love dearly. For the sake of confidentiality, I’ll call them the Smiths. Most of their kids are older, moved out, and starting their own families, but they do have two kids who I attended high school with. They are well known in the community and loved by everyone. About two years ago, they received the sad news that their dad had taken his own life. He had just finished serving in a leadership position in church and his death was unexpected to say the least. As time continued, they discovered that their dad has been having an affair and just couldn’t handle the guilt anymore. Situations like this are hard to even imagine, so I will make no effort to say I know how they felt, but at some point, every family will endure hardship, hopefully not as extreme, but still inevitable.

Now, the most shocking part of this story wasn’t the circumstances surrounding it, but actually the Smith’s reactions. Mrs. Smith had always been a happy person, but even after the loss of her husband, she continued to smile. Even as she mourned and had tears rolling down her face, she smiled. Her daughter, who was the only child living at home at the time kept her bubbly and optimistic personality despite the pain, and I watched as the two of them formed an absolutely unbreakable bond. Over the past few years, I’ve been so inspired and impressed by the Smith family. I’ve often wondered if my reaction would have been the same had I been in that situation. As I learned this week about families facing crises, I began to realize what made the difference for the Smith family.

Each time a family faces any type of stressor, they follow a pattern. This model, coined by Reuben Hill, is called the ABCX model. A represents the stressor event, B represents the family’s response using the resources they’ve been given, C represents how the family defines the event, and E is representative of the crisis itself. From this model, we learn the effect of a crisis is determined by the family’s response to the situation and how they view the situation. Do they look at it as an opportunity to grow closer to each and learn? Or do they see it as the end of the world? I’m no way near mastering the technique of an optimistic attitude, and this concept’s a hard one for me, but I’m almost positive the Smith family was able to deal with their tragedy because of their hopeful attitudes and dependence on their friends for support.

There’s a lot to say about other coping mechanisms as well. One that was particularly interesting to me was learning how to balance self-concern with concern for others. If there’s ever been a time to be self-centered, it seems it would be after losing a loved one, dealing with dishonesty, or other things like chronic illness. But it turns out, the best thing to do in situations like these is to turn outwards. Serving others bring happiness within yourself and helps you build bonds with others. It is especially important to take care of yourself during these times, but it’s equally as important to recognize and support others who are grieving.

Trials in the family are bound to happen, and I’m sure none of us have to think too hard before we recognize our own family’s struggles. When my family faces hard time, I will always think about the Smiths. They stayed positive despite having every reason not to. I also know that they turned outwards every day. Their focus was not on themselves and because of that, they still find reasons to be happy today. In fact, their stronger because of their trials. We should all aspire to be like that.