Staying Satisfied in a Marriage... even after kids.

    Staggering fact of the day, according to the Journal of Family Psychology, “After having a baby, 67 percent of couples see their marital satisfaction plummet…”. A little scary right? I’ll be the first one to say I was surprised to hear this, but after spending time thinking about it, I realized it made sense. Adding another human into any relationship has to be crazy demanding, especially when that human needs constant care. We can only devote so much of ourselves to someone and having a child means dividing your resources, maybe even spreading yourself a little thin. This doesn’t sound super pleasant to me, and obviously I want to have a successful and happy family. I want to be satisfied with my marriage even after having kids. In fact, I want my contentment to grow as my future husband and I raise a family together. So how does one do that? 

    The Journal of Family Communications talks about three key areas in which marital satisfaction is found and increased. The first is called the friendship domain. This encompasses some of the things pointed out in my previous blog, but it’s really about making time to CONTINUE to get to know one another. To teach people this principal, the researchers behind this trial, had couples engage in a question exercise. During this activity, husband and wife asked the same type of question you would when dating someone. For example, “What life goals are you still hoping to accomplish?”. This type of communication helps connections become strong and long lasting. This category also deals with intimacy. As children enter a relationship, it can be hard to keep this a priority, but it is important to continue to engage in healthy sexual relations with one another. 

    Secondly, this trial pointed out the need for constructive conflict. Inevitably, there will be disagreements when welcoming a new person into a marriage. Research has shown that effective conflict resolution can increase a couple’s likeness of staying happy after having a baby. It is specifically important to learn how to communicate feelings in a certain way. Dr. Gottman and his wife (the master behind this study) said, “…when starting a difficult conversation, relationship masters tend to open gently, keeping the focus on their own feelings rather than attacking one another.” As arguments surface and temptations to ridicule or place blame arise, couples should make an conscious effort to communicate in a constructive way. This will be a benefit to them, but also their future family as it helps maintain happiness in the home. 

The last suggestion in this three-part plan is shared meaning. This means supporting one another’s goals and values. Achieving this means putting effort into “connection rituals”. The examples given include things like family dinner and family play time.  Imagine the benefits of spending meaningful time together rather than just one parent with a child. When things are done as a family, it creates opportunities for children to bond with parents, and parents to bond with each other. The Gottman’s also pointed out, “These activities help couples develop a sense of mutual purpose on a daily basis…”. I’ve noticed in my own family, the happiness that my parents radiate when we spend time as a family. When my dad gets home from work and we’re all able to eat dinner together, I can almost see my mom visibly relax. This is a time for us to all talk about our day and for my dad to crack a few jokes targeted at my mom to make her laugh. I’m confident these traditions have strengthened their relationship with their children and with each other. 

Although it’s true marital satisfaction tends to decrease after having children, there are certain steps couple can take to ensure stability and happiness in their relationship. Taking time to get to know each other again, learning how to resolve conflicts, and developing family traditions are just a few possibilities. Naturally, we all want to experience the joy that comes with having a family and quite frankly, children should not be seen as a burden to a relationship but rather an opportunity to help it grow stronger. With this perspective, the trails of having children won’t go away, but they will be easier to bear, especially as you face them hand-in-hand with your significant other. 

Information about Dr. Gottman’s research can be found here:

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/10/babies