The Key to a Happy Relationship

        “Communication is key”. Cliché, right? Well, maybe its cliché for a reason. Healthy relationships are founded on the principal of good communication. Think about all the problems that can be avoided by simply being open with your partner. The result of any conflict is always better when you talk about things rather than act in an irrational way or do something you might regret. In reality, communication is a preventative practice. In addition to being a way to prevent and solve conflict, it is also a way to express sympathy, concern, and love for another person, deepening current relationships.

              Since this is such an important principle, it’s necessary to learn how to do it effectively. While successful communication can save a relationship, ineffective communication can destroy one. For me, I’ve learned the most about conveying my emotions from the examples (both good and bad) of others. Serving a mission for my church taught me a lot about communicating with people. There were companions who were easy to talk to, and then there were some who chose to bottle up their emotions, making it hard to understand how they’re feeling. Without unity in a companionship, it’s almost impossible to teach together, so it was important for me to learn certain skills.

              One of the most important things I learned was to use “I feel” statements when communicating with someone. It’s human nature to want to ridicule and place blame on someone else. When there’s a problem, most often we say something like “you always leave your socks on the floor”, instead of saying something more productive like, “I feel angry when you leave your socks on the floor, would you please pick them up?”. When we word things in this way, we immediately take ownership for our emotions. Not only does this benefit the other person, but it empowers us. As I started practicing this regularly with my companions, our relationships blossomed, and we were able to openly discuss things rather than holding it all inside.

              The principle of using “I feel” statements come from David Burn’s Five Secrets of Effective Communication. According to Burns, using five specific strategies results in clear communication. The first principle he suggests is called the disarming technique. This means you recognize some truth in what the other person says, no matter how unfair it may sound. Secondly, you express empathy. Essentially, this means putting yourself in their shoes. This creates an opportunity to reaffirm how they feel. Leading perfectly into the next step, inquiry. In this step, you ask a clarifying question such as “If I’m understanding you right, you feel jealous because I spent the night with friends last night instead of with you?” This technique eliminates misunderstanding and puts both parties on the same plane. Next, you use “I feel” statements as explained before. Following this, you use what is called the stroking technique. This simply means finding something positive to say about the other person.

              Following these five steps has been proven to create more effective conversations, thus preventing further problems in our relationships. As I’ve practiced this with family and friends, I’ve noticed greater understanding and empathy between myself and them. I add my personal testimony that this works! If you find yourself frustrated to the point of quitting on conversations, try it! There’s no harm in giving it a shot, right?