Getting to Know You...

Let me start by exposing myself a little bit. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m from a small town and I’ve grown up with the same set of friends and peers for almost 8 years. At least in high school, the saying “there’s plenty of fish in the sea” wasn’t exactly true. Usually, you ended up dating the same guys your friends did. That’s just the way it worked. When you accounted for your expectations, the list of possibilities was quite small. I only really dated one person in high school but went on plenty of dates with boys in my friend group. In college, I explored my options a little more and dated people from outside my little city. I’d say I learned from those experiences, but something inside always drew me back to the guys I’d grown up with. When I came home after serving and 18-month mission for my church, I realized many of my old friends felt the same way.

Very unexpectedly, some of my male friends I’d grown up with sort of flocked back into my life. I was surprised to learn that some of them even wanted to date. As I explored these relationships, I started to think about what it really meant to know someone. It’s always been really important to me that I ACTUALLY know the person I’m in a relationship with, especially when I start to think about a future with them. I honestly felt a little conflicted. Dating someone you’ve know for most of your life changes somethings, but I also didn’t feel comfortable jumping in and using the excuse “well, I’ve know him since 8th grade”. So, when I learned about the Know Quo theory of dating, I was immediately interested.

What is the perfect formula for getting to know someone? According to this theory, there are 3 areas to focus on. The first is togetherness. Now, it’s important to note this does NOT mean hanging out. It’s much more than that. In fact, simply killing time together in the same room is unhealthy. Togetherness means having shared experiences. This implies planning and responsibility from both parties. Each companion needs to do their part to make this happen. It’s also essential that the time you spend together is spent doing a wide variety of activities rather than always doing the same thing, like staying in and watching a movie. Why? Because this opens the door to opportunities to learn more about a person in many different circumstances. In addition, having shared experience together creates time to ask meaningful questions about the other person.

The next area of the Know Quo formula is talk. We’ve all heard time and time again that communication is key in any relationship. I won’t bore you by going on about that, but “talk” encompasses a key principle called mutual self-disclosure. This means each partner takes turns sharing personal things about themselves and then listening to the other partner do the same. According to Psychology Today, “Mutual self-disclosures create trust. People who make personal disclosures become vulnerable to the person to whom the disclosures are made.” Having this type of communication naturally brings a couple closer together and connects them on a deeper level. As this happens, a real understanding of one another starts to blossom.

The last area of focus when getting to know someone is time. The know quo theory states that it takes about 3 months to “BEGIN to get to know someone”. This is by no means enough time to know everything about another person, but it’s a great starting point. Like togetherness, this principle isn’t simply being together, it’s doing both step one and two for a certain amount of time. As a 3-month duration is filled with a variety of meaningful activities and mutual self-disclosure, you start to really get to know someone. When this type of relationship begins, you’re on deck for a successful connection in the future.

These 3 things gave me more confidence in how I should face relationships moving forward. Even when I’ve know someone for what seems like forever, it’s still important to do worthwhile things together, talk and listen to them, and spend at least 3 months getting to know them in a different way (as more than just a friend). Following this pattern is necessary in creating relationships that will last. As I’m sure we all do, I want to eventually marry someone who I’m confident in. I hear too often stories about women getting married only to find out they didn’t marry the person they dated. That can be avoided by following the know quo theory. So, try it out!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/let-their-words-do-the-talking/201503/self-disclosures-increase-attraction


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